Yesterday, I had one of THOSE days. You know, the kind where very little goes well, or right at all, and at the end of it you want nothing more than to take the content of the day and cram it into the box you keep at the back of your closet and never think of it again. Well, then I had another such day today, making it one of THOSE weeks. So I find myself at a bit of a loss. It seems the small supply of cheerful I usually keep in my pocket has run dry. I just feel…ugh. That’s the only word, or sound effect I guess, that really has even the slightest bit of accuracy in my current state. Although miserable serves as a pretty close second.
It all started when I awoke yesterday morning with a lovely twinge in my knee. Rather than suffer through a day of discomfort, I took a couple of Aleve and went on my merry way. Which was actually rather merry by the way, until my right eyelid took issue with the Aleve and puffed up in angry allergic reaction. Seriously people, it took effort just to keep the stupid thing open and it looked worse than it felt. Plus, it’s not like I have a nice desk job where I get to sit in a cubicle and never, ever interact with other human beings. Nope. I got to answer all kinds of questions about what had happened to my eye, and even got to have it pointed out to me a few times that it looked “all weird and gross.” It was super fun. By the time a trudged through my front door I had pretty much had it. And that’s when I ran out of Glee episodes to watch. I mean, if ever there was a time to watch people burst spontaneously into song and revel in the melodrama of high school, wasn’t that it? At the end of a day spent looking and feeling like a social reject? Yeah, I thought so too.
I had kind of hoped today might bring a change of luck and attitude, if I’m being honest. I’ve felt stretched so thin lately; there’s too much to do and way too little time to accomplish it. I feel like I’m going through the motions and never achieving the result I’m aiming for because there’s just no way to give it my all. Not and get it all done, anyway. But a windfall of fortune was not in the cards. I delivered a set of proofs for some senior photos I’d shot a few weeks ago. By my standards, they were pretty good. I don’t sell myself as a pro. I don’t even advertise. If I’m taking your photos, I’m viewing it kind of as a favor, because I don’t charge nearly as much as I could. Anyhow, the proofs weren’t well received. I believe the word “disappointing” was used. This has never happened to me before, so I don’t really know what to do. Even though I don’t fully agree with the assessment, I offered to reshoot, which was declined. So I’m stuck wondering what the point of the complaint was. If you don’t want me to do anything about it, why make a point of letting me know I do unsatisfactory work?
Unfortunately, this is coming at a time when I don’t feel like I’m doing much of anything well (see above: too much squeezed into too little time), and it’s pretty well putting my self esteem down for the count. I don’t feel like I’m teaching as well as I could be because my classes are overcrowded and I’m being assigned extra duties on top of my teaching responsibilities. I’m not keeping my home and personal life in the condition I’d like because I’m just too dang tired when I get home from half-heartedly fighting the good fight all day. And now, I feel like a crappy photographer, even though I kind of think that sometimes there is just no pleasing some people. I hate feeling this way. I don’t like pity parties. I know that things could be so much worse. There are really a lot of very good things in my life, and I try never to lose sight of that. So…I think I will crawl out from under the rock I’ve chosen as my permanent hiding place and go find something to bake. Preferably chocolate.